I did not write a single entry in 2010, and to be honest, I'm ok with that. This site is old and nobody I know ever comes here. There's little purpose for the general public to write a blog that is THIS public. It used to be a dear diary to me... except it was a dear everyone I know plus everyone else and their dogs. I probably wrote some really stupid things here. I probably wrote very private things here, I was such a young stupid person. But really, we were all young and stupid once... and some of the worlds inhabitants are still young and stupid. Just because a person did something stupid doesn't paint an entire picture. I ask, what were the motives? Was it illegal or simply frowned upon? Does it show their true character or a time of weakness? Would anyone else in their position done it differently?

I really wonder what will happen in the next 20 years based on the new technologies and self purging of the lives of the public. I wonder what my boss in 10 years will be able to research about me simply by typing my name into Google. None of my information will ever be lost. It is, after all, the great and mysterious internet. I wonder how anyone will get a job, or if this self purging fad will end. I do not deny that having every detail of humanity on the internet could be useful. We might be able to tighten laws and catch criminals easier. We probably already do. Death might be prevented or whatever other dangers could be predicted.

But this is at a major cost of privacy. Not everyone thinks alike. Some people would say something is wrong, while another group would think it's perfectly acceptable. Private lives are beginning to be analyzed, and depending on the group of people, they are being torn apart. People's lives are being destroyed because they simply made a choice. It seems as if people's minds are absolutes. You are either with me or against me. You are black or white. There is no gray area in which people can have a complex theory. I dislike that. There is gray area everywhere. I dislike chocolate, but I love chocolate sundaes and Reese's Peanut butter cups. I have binges of loving candy of all varieties, but that doesn't mean I always love candy. I try to keep my private life off the internet, but I am human, I get excited and want to share my ups and downs. In the middle of extreme excitement I could care less about the consequences, but after I get over that it could lead to so much regret.

So, with all of the side notes included in the entry, what I am really asking ours and future generations for is leniency. My hope is that it naturally comes with the times, but in case it doesn't, here is my plea. Consider all things before using a two sentence post to condemn a person. Let someone explain themselves and their actions. Let them regret their past and learn from their experiences, but don't condemn their future for the little things.

Wow, long post for nobody to read. And if you did, thank you.

"Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
And every second I waste is more than I can take"

Numb by Linkin Park

While the whole song fits the description of the relationship between me and my mother, this verse has to be the most accurate. And while Nick has been trying to get me to see someone about this for a few months now, I didn't realize how bad it was until my most recent fight with my mom. She fights over the fucking petty stuff. This one was weather I would take a freakin' shower. I say in the afternoon she says NOW (8am)! I'm 20 mom, almost 21, an ADULT. She thinks she can control my every move. But what blew my mind is when dad tried to settle us down, he looked at my mom and said, "Don't you recognize this, you were the same way when you were her age. You fought with your parents the same way"

That's when I said to myself that I need to change, because the last thing I want is to become like her!

Other than that, I'm waiting for a phone call that says: "YOU GOT A JOB!" but as the day wears on it seems less likely to happen. Nick, I miss him too much this summer. He's here for a visit, but the time between visits is horrible. I'd rather have him live here, but that wouldn't work out too well for either sets of parents. Otherwise I'm sitting, waiting, hoping and praying for money to come around while I wait for summer school to begin. It sounds so wierd, like I'm a bad kid that sucks at school. I've never done summer school before. Oh well...

The words I always tell myself when mom gets into these moods.
Actually just happened. Why else would I be writing this.
It always starts up with a mini conflict, where I don't want to follow the way she wants.
I'm not her little minion, but she thinks she can control my every move.
So I naturally give her a look. I don't mean to, it's just sort of become a habit.
She takes my look as "I'm not gonna listen to you no matter what! Because you don't matter!"
That is not at all what I'm thinking most of the time!
In fact, I'm taking into account what she says and using my own intellect to make my own decision.
The way a normal person would right?
But no, I made a face, or my tone was wrong. I "don't respect" her, because I should do EVERYTHING my mother tells me to, right?
She gets upset...
I try to explain what I meant, what was going through my mind...
She doesn't believe me.
Sorry mom!
So she goes into rampages, stomps throughout the house so everyone knows she's mad leaving me to repeat to myself

Just stay calm, don't fight back, you dont need to stoop to the level she's at now... Just stay calm...